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Just surfacing, while I can. The internet went out randomly, and now it's back just as suddenly. o_O
I'm... ok, tired... yes. Still. But I was much more than tired for the last few days. Basically, my brain has been stalling since Wednesday-ish, stuck in a panic cascade of sorts. I hadn't realized how bad those layers of trauma still are, after all this time. I didn't know just how raw the nerves are about mom and dad's divorce until his new wife came by with he spousal cheques for mom. It's all so... simple. But there's so much pain tied to what happened that, although I wasn't openly upset about it, my brain just freaked right out on me. I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. I couldn't concentrate at all... It... it's not good.
I know most of my flist are new, so you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. There was domestic violence. I got myself and mom out. That was... in 2002, iirc. I'm still in therapy. It's why I'm so tired all the time; I'm struggling to keep myself going, and on top of that I've had to be mom's sole caregiver for the last year which has left me smushed and chronically low/out of spoons.
There are so many great new people on the add_me comms and it makes me sad that I'm too tired to say hi to most of them D:
Also that I'm too tired to properly nudge everyone on my flist. I'll try to catch up D:
I am almost finished the sweater! It's actually a sweater now! ...Well, kind of a tank top with one short sleeve :P But I'm proud of my lovely wool monster. It actually looks nice and fits well. I'm surprised at how easy it was...
I've been reading a samurai novel which is supposed to be a kind of ur-text for samurai fiction and I keep running into bits that remind me of Edgeworth... The whole B plot is that the hero and heroine keep circling around each other for years- this stoic guy who is determined to become a better man and a deeply caring woman. They knew each other in childhood. He keeps running away (...literally does a lot of "unnecessary feelings! NGH!" stuff). He just realized she's back and he can't decide what to do- so he runs away again, after musing:
"If no one were to know, he could show her how tender he could be. He would tell her he felt the same love for her that she felt for him. He could hug her, rub his cheek against hers, cry the tears he wanted to cry. he was strong enough now to admit to himself that these feelings were real."
And there's this silly chase scene with him booking it over the hills and she's running after him until she trips on something. :D
I'm... ok, tired... yes. Still. But I was much more than tired for the last few days. Basically, my brain has been stalling since Wednesday-ish, stuck in a panic cascade of sorts. I hadn't realized how bad those layers of trauma still are, after all this time. I didn't know just how raw the nerves are about mom and dad's divorce until his new wife came by with he spousal cheques for mom. It's all so... simple. But there's so much pain tied to what happened that, although I wasn't openly upset about it, my brain just freaked right out on me. I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. I couldn't concentrate at all... It... it's not good.
I know most of my flist are new, so you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. There was domestic violence. I got myself and mom out. That was... in 2002, iirc. I'm still in therapy. It's why I'm so tired all the time; I'm struggling to keep myself going, and on top of that I've had to be mom's sole caregiver for the last year which has left me smushed and chronically low/out of spoons.
There are so many great new people on the add_me comms and it makes me sad that I'm too tired to say hi to most of them D:
Also that I'm too tired to properly nudge everyone on my flist. I'll try to catch up D:
I am almost finished the sweater! It's actually a sweater now! ...Well, kind of a tank top with one short sleeve :P But I'm proud of my lovely wool monster. It actually looks nice and fits well. I'm surprised at how easy it was...
I've been reading a samurai novel which is supposed to be a kind of ur-text for samurai fiction and I keep running into bits that remind me of Edgeworth... The whole B plot is that the hero and heroine keep circling around each other for years- this stoic guy who is determined to become a better man and a deeply caring woman. They knew each other in childhood. He keeps running away (...literally does a lot of "unnecessary feelings! NGH!" stuff). He just realized she's back and he can't decide what to do- so he runs away again, after musing:
"If no one were to know, he could show her how tender he could be. He would tell her he felt the same love for her that she felt for him. He could hug her, rub his cheek against hers, cry the tears he wanted to cry. he was strong enough now to admit to himself that these feelings were real."
And there's this silly chase scene with him booking it over the hills and she's running after him until she trips on something. :D
